Go Too Far

Today was long but fun. It was one of those days where you think you planned something, but it didn't work. Even though it didn't work out, I had fun. Beach failed and I didn't go see Michelley as planned but hopefully I'll see her tomorrow. I'm in much need of MC loving. I spent the day with BFFC Char<3 and seriously like these are the types of chill days that make me happy. Enjoyed some bomb thai food, singing in the car with our ipods, endless timer pictures on my dashboard, Fry's electronic adventures, and then heading for dinner at Bestizzles. In between we had some deep conversations that are always well worth the wait of a girl's night out, or in our case, girl's night in.

Today's topic fear of commitment and pushing people away. Apparently I have mastered that art very well over the past few years and have according to my bestz, the Kung Fu Master of keeping people out. I think it's due to my fear of getting hurt. I've been so used to being independent and on my own and the minute I get even close to someone, I end up pushing them away. I'm guilty as charged and I can't exactly get out this situation without it being my fault. But it's hard to grow from it honestly. I know I need to let people in but I don't know how I can do that if I can't fully trust them. I know that sometimes the past is the past but I can't help but think of the what if's, in case I do let people in. I'd rather hurt than get hurt. And it's something that I need to learn and grow from. At the same time they also asked me why I can't just give in to how I'm feeling. Maybe it's because honestly I get scared whenever I feel a certain way. I end up monotonizing my feelings because what happens if I do fall, it only hurts even more. I'd rather not fall and save myself from the pain and even possibly the regret.

So I realized I am quite possibly stopping myself from living life the way I always wanted to, to the fullest. And so I want to take chances, I want to open up, and I want to break these walls that I've taken so long to build up, because one day I might end up looking back to regret the decisions I've made to keep people out and they might be the people I've been looking for and needing for the longest time in my life. So now, It's time for change. It's time to reestablish my outlook on life and love and everything in between. I thank my bestz for helping me realize my mistakes, it takes good friends to realize the wrongs I've been doing and to help me to fix it in order to live up life.

"You have to stop keeping people out..."
-Bestizzle Rochelle Chung