Re-Evaluation / Hiatus

There's a part of me who's dedicated to constantly writing down everything that goes on in my mind, epiphanies, random moments or thoughts that I find inspiring, then there's the other side of me, that just doesn't want to be that person anymore. I feel like I've been an open book, and at the same time, a door mat. Walked over, and taken for granted. So for my 200+ readers according to my view count, I'm sad to say this might just be my last post for awhile. I know I went into this saying this would be my journal, my diary. But I feel like I've depended on it so much over the past couple of weeks to fill in a void, and I've come to realize that I'd much rather live my life, out in the world, than constantly depending on this blog to keep me sane. Over the past couple of weeks, I've grown bored and complacent with everything around me. It all felt so routine. This, then that, then some more of this. I've lost excitement and have become stagnant. Both things I've wanted to avoid. So in order for me to re-evaluate myself, my goals, my challenges, and decisions in life, in the expense of my blog, I've decided to stop blogging for the most part. And not just blogging in general but all sources of cyber connection. All of you have noticed my addiction to twitter, which I've decided to disconnect myself from, facebook which I'll ask my friends to change my password to and my myspace which I've already asked to delete. I guess what I'm trying to ask for is a fresh start. Who knows how long I'll last but I think I need more of a intervention and change rather than a constant avoidance of feelings and emotions being placed into this blog. It's just that its more of a cleansing, come to think of it, I owe no one an explanation and that's maybe something I'll learn over a course of time. I don't owe anyone anything. Not forgiveness, not forget, not friendship, not a relationship. I guess, I've just begun to build my wall again. Walls were meant to be broken at one point, but I never liked letting my guard down, and that was my mistake. And now these walls are being built so no one can knock them down. I need to build my guard up again. I need to stand on my own. I need to learn to defend my heart, my soul and my body from anything and everything that could hurt me. Something I've been neglecting to do. And hopefully by giving up the few things I've depended on, I'll grow to be on my own so I won't have to depend on them as much.

So for now, I'll be filling up the void and gap that relinquishing of these past times by working, focusing on school, spending time with people who make me smile, and teach me lessons I wouldn't learn from computer. I'll be dancing more, and taking a lot more me time to myself in order for me to get my priorities and perspectives in order.

For those who know why I might have been going on this hiatus, no one is to blame but myself. Myself for letting things get to me. Myself for depending on other people other than myself for fixing things. And Myself for letting my walls get broken down.

I feel like I've caved in, and let everything happen without analyzing the what-ifs. I know I'm contradicting myself a lot but I feel like I need that falsifiability in order to reattain my sanity.

So here's my formal farewell. Who know's when I'll be back.


But I hope to one day have volumes of journals that chronicle the life and times that is me. All things that come from your heart, mind, & soul, whether it be provocative, curious, intelligent, lame, creative, or banal, all deserve a chance to be expressed. I hope this might be Volume one.

"Once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."